ZOMG I think I give up. Like, I live in a small-ish town and everyone I know is married, and I don’t have many friends here anyway, so I’ve been online dating but holy hell. Aside from the usual Fish-Holders, Torsos, Obvious One Night Stand Seekersand Do-You-Like-Younger-Guys-ers, we also have:

1) Guy who writes me a 100-word love letter about how awesome I am. Great, right? Nope! Nononononoooooo. He declares that he’s MENSA (yawn) and moved here from Silicon Valley (simultaneous yawn / snore / barf that almost kills me). No photo and only 3 questions answered (we’re talking OK Cupid). I tell him, No Photo, No Talk To, and I go about my business. About twenty minutes later I get another message. “Did you see it?!” I’m like, erm, was I supposed to be sitting here eagerly refreshing your profile? Because that is super not happening, ever. He is genuinely surprised. I tell him look, dude, use your supposed MENSA powers to put yourself in a woman’s place - any woman, not just me - and think about how you’re coming across. I’m comfortable saying that I’m not interested without seeing the photo; best of luck!

2) OK this dude was age-appropriate and his profile actually amused me for the right reasons. We had been chatting since Thanksgiving (not chatting really but just sending the odd message back and forth - I don’t chat because I think it’s kinda a waste of my time) (snort, like I don’t waste time other ways). Anyhoo. We go on a date on Friday. I’m not super attracted to him, but he’s really sweet and funny, and I think maybe I might change my mind if we really hit it off? The restaurant is SUPER loud, so conversation is a little awkward, but it still goes well. I let him pay (drinks and apps only - we didn’t eat a meal) and he walked me to my car. I let him kiss me. Ok, good? But then the next time I hear from him is yesterday afternoon and all he says is, “How was your weekend?” and for some reason this really irritates me! I can’t even articulate why it irritates me so much, maybe it seems lazy? But I’m like UGH, just forget it! so I haven’t responded. (Am I being too petty / picky / unreasonable?)

3) I dunno, man. It’s hopeless. I’m a unicorn out here. I’m an atheist in a super religious community, and this shit is going nowhere (I’ve been on OK Cupid off and on for 3 years here). I message guys who I’m interested in, and put some thought into what I write without being too MENSA-guy about it. Usually I hear nothing back. I get it; I’m fat, and you think you can do better. But then the guys who message me? Ugh. “Nice tits.” “Hey do you like younger guys” (x50,0000). NO I DO NOT AND IT SAYS SO ON MY PROFILE. “Hey.” (I *finally* just figured out that you can filter out messages that are only 3 words long and people who are under 70% match!

4) Tinder. Meh. When I get desperate, I’m down for a hookup, but TBH it’s annoying. I feel like I’ve been single forever at this point.

In sum, #foreveralone.